I've got it.
I know why I was struggling in my decision to go to either Japan or Portland: I'm not meant for either one. Well, at least for right now.
When I was 7-years-old, I saw some documentary on New York City and decided then that I wanted to live there. That decision later escalated to me wanting to travel everywhere (yes, everywhere) and to see and do and learn and experience all I could during my life. Once I learned what humanitarianism was, my next decision revolved around me wanting to do all the good I could during all the marvelous travels I'd planned. In college I majored in Journalism; all good journalists write about what they know and their own experiences. I planned on having plenty of them, so what better way to take advantage of my obsession with writing?
Now, three years past college, I've been trying to make decisions that would be leading me down different paths. Sure, teaching English to Japanese children or starting a good career in Journalism are great options for me, but I'm missing the crux of the matter: helping people. For the past four months I've been so keenly interested in helping Angie Risley that I've forgotten that I want to help those I can. Instead of looking to my own desires, why haven't I realized that I want to aid with something greater than myself? If I go through my whole life without doing that, what have I gained? What have I bettered? There's no use in me becoming a famous author or proficient linguist if I lose the essence of Christianity along the way.
Therefore, I've decided that neither Japan nor Portland will be in my immediate future. (I'd still love to do both opportunities, but I feel the need to make a bigger difference in the meantime.) Instead, I'm contemplating doing some work with under-privileged children, perhaps in Ghana, Africa. There is such a need there in orphanages and schools, and I am all too aware of how important it is that each child have a chance...or second chance, as it may be. Shouldn't I be using my experiences to lighten the loads of others? (An emphatic "Yes" is the answer.)
I'm excited. For the first time in months, I see a need for hope (coincidentally in a village called Hope) and I feel absolutely stricken with a desire to meet some needs. Shame on me for my blogging procrastination lately, but it's been a long road and I finally feel like I'm making some correct turns. Join me on my journey, won't you? I always need someone to man the radio.